March 24, 2020
My relationship status is now isolationship.
I’m sending you a socially distanced hug.
Get set for the return of parents as hairdressers.
All sporting events are cancelled but live boxing can be seen at supermarkets in front of the toilet paper stand.
Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter. The living room or the bedroom
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053, when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John this wasn’t just any ordinary day. This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020
Anyone who is single, be careful who you take home this weekend. You might end up with them for a fortnight
Your grandparents were asked to go to war. You are being asked to sit on a couch. You can do this
To prevent the spread of Coronavirus, people who need to sneeze are advised to do so into their upper arm. People have instead, started stock piling toilet paper
This confirms the long standing belief that too many people don’t know their arse from their elbow.
Coughed in the supermarket today, 4 people turned around, I felt like Iwas on the Voice
I will find you and I will…take all your toilet paper
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch…and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born…and we will call them Coronials
Coronavirus doesn’t effect rats and snakes so most of you are safe
For the first time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not screw this up
I don't think it's going to be that hard to stay 6 feet away from my wife during the outbreak...that's 94 feet closer than the restraining order says
I looked into her eyes, deep into the emerald green, my heart fluttered, I felt a connection, something deeper, something magical, I was transported to another place and I thought, blimey these binoculars are brilliant.
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Conversation in 2060:
‘’Someone ate Bat soup’’
‘’-Then what happened Grandpa?’’
‘’The whole world fought for toilet paper’’
‘’-Why?’’
‘’Hush now little one. Go to bed.’’
Customers love to tell you how crazy it is that you are still open and working at the bagel store as they come into the bagel store to purchase bagels.
Of course Trump has banned all travel from Europe. He thinks germs come from Germany.
The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released. WHO let the dogs out.
The amount of jokes about coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers. Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pandemic
So how come it's only men & women getting killed by this Coronavirus? How come all the other 800 genders aren't getting wiped out?
I like my girls how I like my Covid. 19 and easily spread.
This corona virus must be serious. My local Burger King have cleaned their tables twice today.
The companies who make sanitising gel must be rubbing their hands together.
ISIS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers, due to insufficient crowd sizes.
Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.
Honestly, the prime minister is starting to sound like my fucking girlfriend.
China have got what they have always wanted. To CORONISE the world!
2019: "work hard at school or you'll end up packing shelves for a living" 2020: "most secure job in the country, packing shelves"
As if it wasn't bad enough being Dyslexic, now I've got the Racoon virus.
The kid I hired to clean up poop in my yard just realized I don't have a dog #outoftoiletpaper
Experts are confident that washing our hands regularly will combat coronavirus but say they are expecting an outbreak of OCD.
Just picked up a Big Mac Meal at the drive-thru. I'm not hungry, I just need the napkins for wiping
Fed up of waiting in long queues? Want to reduce the amount of time you waste waiting to be served? Cough loudly and say “It’s got progressively worse since I got back from China”
Chuck Norris has tested positive for the corona virus. The virus has been quarantined for 21 days!
I was concerned COVID-19 can be passed to dogs but apparently, if you use a condom, they will be fine.